Monday, May 22, 2017

On The Edge of Bloom

I have started so many blogs posts.  They are all unfinished.  It has been so long since I have written anything, and truthfully, I think I have a sort-of writer's block.  If you know me, that's pretty hilarious, since I always have something to say.  I have missed this place, my happy place, but it has been a long winter.

There are so many things I have wanted to share.  Some amazing experiences I have had, and hard lessons that I am learning.  I'll start a post, and quickly realize that because of where we are at as a family, I really can't talk about a whole lot, for the sake of my kiddos.  A lot of what we have gone through this winter wasn't pretty.  I don't like to rant, and I don't want pity, so I found myself not knowing what to say. I'd love to share a knitting or creative project, but there's been no time for that this winter, either. So, instead, there has been silence from the keyboard.   So sorry.

While this was one of the coldest, wettest seasons on record for the Pacific Northwest, I can only say that the weather has mirrored my homelife.  It's been a little ugly here, muddy, and grey, with only a few sunbreaks.  I know can only speak in parables for so long, and I hate it.  I always wish to speak straight from the heart, that is really who I am; but parables it must be, and some of you who can relate to things that I am going through, you will know what I mean! I am exhausted in every possible way: emotionally, physically, mentally.  The past few months of running around have been the craziest they have ever been in my life! 

There is a paradise of natural beauty all around me, but I'm so busy running around I don't have much time to enjoy it.  Still, I am so thankful to live out here, for after that exhausting trip to a specialist, or that school meeting, or yet another trip to the discount grocery store to feed the kiddos, or to the feed store for the animals, or another doctor's appointment.......

I'll slip outside, breathe, and look around me.

Sometimes I'll shed a few tears.

It is beautiful.

I will kneel and pray, all alone, nothing but the sounds of birds and the breeze in the air.

I will smell the sweet perfume of Lilacs and Wisteria,

and I will be so grateful for this wild ride that I am on, because it just-so-happens to be that I am at the toughest part of it all now.

It was a hard winter, and a long one. 
I have slogged my way through so much mud and rain. Wondering all the while, if all this work is worth it.

For so many long weeks here things have been on the edge of blooming.  I have been so impatient, weeding, watching, waiting.  I keep checking the rose buds and sighing.  Things are about a month behind what they were last year, and it's hard to wait.  But while the farm and garden are important, I can't shake off the feeling that my most important work, the stuff that goes into my family, is a sort of waiting too, and that these kids of mine, and the amazing people that they are becoming, are all on the edge of bloom too.

If you'll pardon the parables, there are so many days I get up in the morning, wondering if I have the strength for just one more exhausting day of all this.

But when the blooms do finally start to burst open I know:

It's gonna be so beautiful.